I've Got This!

    I'm sitting here at 12:30 a.m. chuckling to myself. All these great dreams and aspirations I had of becoming this SUPER-BLOGGER.....why do I get so silly? My motto lately has become some form or "I don't serve____, it serves me!" You fill in the blank with whatever it is that you don't want to serve, as in, become a servant of, or slave to. For example, going to the gym serves ME. I tend to have a touch of OCD with some things. So, if I have a list with check boxes and I can't check off every single box by actually accomplishing (to the "t") what needs to be checked off the list, I get fussy. I start doubting my abilities and commitment. I start getting very critical of myself. "Well, if So and So had this list to complete, SHE'D have no problem with whatever it is. So what's wrong with ME?" I HATE that I compare myself!! It's as if I have no ability to measure myself against my old self, recognizing and celebrating my true accomplishments. Or better yet, how about just NOT comparing and measuring? Rather, I compulsively look for an ideal. I search sub-consciously for who I need to model myself after and only after I've fallen short do I realize what I've done. Yet again.
    And so this explains my recent depression surrounding my lack of "commitment" to blogging. And guess what? God is so good. He is helping me with this struggle of comparison. I'm not quite sure how He's doing it, but I am beginning to feel a small bit of release:) The mere fact that I'm recognizing it at this moment tells me I'm changing. The fact that I can laugh and not cry about it is an accomplishment in itself! I'm soo SILLY! I am a happy, happy girl. I am blessed BEYOND measure and feel so completely surrounded by God's grace in my day-to-day life. Why does it matter to me that I "measure up?"
    Ya know what? Right now as I am typing this God is showing me "PRIDE, PRIDE, PRIDE." Whoa. Right this moment He is showing me that my ultimate under-lying motive is not to actually measure up, but to be BETTER THAN EVERYONE WHO IS WORTHY OF COMPARISON. Good gravy. I'm gonna have to chew on this awhile. Anyone have a grain (or barrel) of SALT? And maybe a few gallons of coffee to wash it down?