Thursday, January 20, 2011
Don't Even Know
7:23 PM | Posted by
Talisha |
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I don't even know how to express what I experienced today...I kinda felt like I was in Jr. High all over again. It has been nearly 6 months since we moved here. The only people who have reached out to me have been 2 or 3 people that I met at a church we've attended a few times. The church where my kids go to school...the place we spend most of our time outside of home. I attended a Bible study there and met a few very sweet ladies whom I've kept in contact with here and there since.
So tonight, as I sat watching my son's basketball practice, on the opposite side of all the other moms...(I was the first one to walk in and sit down, there was plenty of room where I sat for more people) I felt overwhelmingly ALONE. Normally, I don't notice that no one ever says "hello, how are you?" or "kiss my grits!" I typically sit with my husband, who is now in a late class on basketball nights. I wouldn't normally even CARE. But since I was alone and aware of all of the fellowship taking place opposite me...I REALLY cared. My daughter distracted me from time to time, wanting to shoot hoops in the open court or pass the ball back and forth. But I really couldn't get over the fact that I haven't made any progress in the friend department. I felt almost mad at those moms for not at least trying to speak to me. To find out who I am. Where I came from. Ask me something about my kids...I mean we're obviously ALL here for our children. Each new mom that came in with their kids found a familiar face and fell easily into the conversation of the group.
Of course they did. Of course they know each other. All of their kids go to the same Christian school. They've probably all known each other for years, kids play all their sports together. Why wouldn't they flock and gather? But I couldn't take it. As they laughed and hugged each other, my heart was torn out. I missed MY friends. My eyes started tearing up and I reached for my phone to text my husband and distract myself (and him from his studies). All in the same moment, I was telling myself to just STOP it. This was ridiculous. How could I be mad at people for something they WEREN'T doing on purpose? Why should I expect them to reach out to me? I'M the new one here. (At this point, the moms are staring at me because of the tears streaming down my face.) Maybe I should be more aggressive at making friends. I mean, I have tried several times to make small talk with some of those moms (whom I see every day while taking my children to the same Christian school) to no avail. But maybe I should just give it time. Maybe I look unfriendly. Perhaps they are just shy people? Maybe every morning that I've seen them since August 19th, they've been too tired or something to say "Hi, I'm So and So!" I have introduced myself to at least 50 people since we moved here in August. I've had no trouble going up to people and making small talk or trying to get to know people a little better, but for some reason I have YET to have anyone other than Josh, whom I mentioned in an earlier post, actually introduce themselves to ME.
I just don't get it. Maybe I'm being a total baby and need to just get over myself. Maybe I'm invisible. I don't know. All I know right now is that this doesn't feel very nice. I don't feel welcome. I feel alone when I'm out. I feel like people just aren't doing their part to reach out. I'm also learning that when I see someone alone, I should at LEAST acknowledge and affirm their presence. My face is not an unfamiliar one at the school or at basketball practice. It has been 6 weeks or more of three times a week contact with some of those moms. If I were them, I'm fairly sure that I would have AT LEAST introduced myself to the ONE LONELY mother who sits at her children's practices. No? Well, like I said, maybe I'm too focused on me...I don't know.
I know that I need someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. I know that I need another woman to help me navigate all of the things that are going on in my life right now. I know that I would LOVE to ask someone to pray for me. Woman to woman. To pray for me to have GRACE and strength to care for my handicapped Mother-in-law and PATIENCE for dealing with a recovering drug addict for a Father-in-law. To LIFT ME UP because I live with these people right now. To please pray for my family, my husband needs to find a job...we have no income and he's trying DESPERATELY to answer his calling to ministry and finish his Master's degree in Seminary. I want to share with someone how the Lord is GOOD to us even though we walk DAILY through struggles. I NEED someone to WANT to know that my kids are AWESOME and that my husband ROCKS....blehh...I'm exhausted.
Today is over and I've learned how NOT to treat people. Again. God, please open my eyes to the needs of those around me. PLEASE give me the sensitivity to recognize when someone is hurting or alone.
I know that I need someone to share my thoughts and feelings with. I know that I need another woman to help me navigate all of the things that are going on in my life right now. I know that I would LOVE to ask someone to pray for me. Woman to woman. To pray for me to have GRACE and strength to care for my handicapped Mother-in-law and PATIENCE for dealing with a recovering drug addict for a Father-in-law. To LIFT ME UP because I live with these people right now. To please pray for my family, my husband needs to find a job...we have no income and he's trying DESPERATELY to answer his calling to ministry and finish his Master's degree in Seminary. I want to share with someone how the Lord is GOOD to us even though we walk DAILY through struggles. I NEED someone to WANT to know that my kids are AWESOME and that my husband ROCKS....blehh...I'm exhausted.
Today is over and I've learned how NOT to treat people. Again. God, please open my eyes to the needs of those around me. PLEASE give me the sensitivity to recognize when someone is hurting or alone.
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